Road to perdition
A good night out with family, over dinner, in central London.
I noticed a message on my mobile. It was from he whose very name I don’t even initial. A subject that is, and always really has been, truly beyond the scope of my blogging. Too painful. It was touched upon and evidenced by histrionics on my part in previous blogs. But never really dwelt upon. And that isn’t about to change.
Asking me very bluntly why I had closed down the lines of communication with him. Well, we haven’t seen each other for almost 6 months. I’ve ignored every phone call, message and email – and he’s sent numerous in that period. And I’ve hated myself for doing it. Really hated myself. And that isn’t something I say lightly.
The situation is too complex to blog about and I’m not going to. Some things really are private. That he is the only person I have ever truly loved – something developed over a long time – not some weekend tomfoolery, says far more than I want to accept or think about. There are very few times in life when you actually make a connection with somebody on a really deep level. Where you tangibly feel it on both sides. He was one of the very few.
I can’t reply to the text message as I don’t know what to say.
I tell myself it was the right thing to do though ultimately I don’t know. I’ll probably never really know. Lots of collateral damage (relationships with mutual friends I’ve had to run into the ground in which I have inevitably come across as cold and a deeply fairweather friend). Nothing I can do about that.
He always had very real personal issues. Perhaps I should have cut him more slack. Maybe he has now learned his lesson. I don’t know. I just don’t know. The crashing lows, the tears, the pain – are all things in the past now which I guess means I’m in the vicinity of that light emanating from the end of the tunnel. That I think about him at least a couple of times most days is something I can’t deny, however.
I’m about to let my Cold Black Heart run free here with unsolicited advice:
Be strong! Whatever you do, DON’T reply to his text. People don’t change. 6 months is NOT long enough. If you do, you will probably go through the whole turmoil again. Life is cyclical that way.
Burn that bridge and move on. (Maybe even change your mobile number?) Don’t look back – only look forward. Sometimes, people can’t be saved from themselves. You have to look out for your own happiness too.
Was that cutthroat enough?
14 Giants
November 25, 2008 at 4:24 am
Hmmm… well, having been in that position for quite a while, I can tell you that you will be thinking of him for quite some time yet, until someone new invades and conquers your heart.
That said, everything is going well for you at the moment, so why let in the disruptive? I can only agree with my fellow commenter above that you need to be strong about this. It’s your own happiness that should prevail.
Lula
November 25, 2008 at 7:48 am
14giants – thanks, I appreciate the candid words. I needed it!
Lula – yeh. I was calm and happy until this reawakening of the past. I plan to stick to my guns. Annoyed it’s going to take more than 6 months but I can tell that is the case, as you say.
Slept very badly last night. Proof that it’s not all behind me I suppose.
Milo
November 25, 2008 at 9:11 am
Remember: be strong! Be a rock! They don’t call it “history repeating” for nothing.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go to bed. I actually (believe it or not) have to work all day tomorrow. The first day since last Thursday! I haven’t shaved. I haven’t left the apartment. It’s so sad. I really AM becoming an eccentric shut-in.
14giants
November 25, 2008 at 9:48 am
ps. Stop listening to that Madonna song. You masochist!
14giants
November 25, 2008 at 9:49 am
14giants – LOL and god that is so embarrassing. I had no idea the f’ing scrobbler was even installed on my netbook. Not sure how to get rid of that from the list without playing a boat load of songs, not easy at work! I do blame Vern for that song.
Good advice and I will be strong.
I’m worried about you not having left the apartment since Thursday. That is too long… Now get to bed and I need to log on to last.fm (not ideal, at work) and get that bloody track listing cleared!
Milo
November 25, 2008 at 9:58 am
The wonder of mobile internet – sort it from your PDA.
Vic
November 25, 2008 at 10:57 am
Wait, so you’re still hung up on Tom Hanks? I don’t get it.
Okay, under no circumstances should you text him back. Trust me. No good will come of it.
Craig
November 25, 2008 at 2:31 pm
I have not texted him back. He’s not a bad person but I accept I have to move on.
Milo
November 25, 2008 at 11:17 pm
I agree that you have to move on… but don’t you sort of need closure to be able to do it?
UrbanVox
November 27, 2008 at 11:26 am
Urbanvox – I couldn’t agree more. That is the problem with ignoring it. It’s still on my mind and there is no closure. We’ll see… *sigh*.
Milo
November 27, 2008 at 11:01 pm
Which Madonna song?
Suburban Mum
November 30, 2008 at 5:36 pm
The Power of Goodbye.
Milo
November 30, 2008 at 11:13 pm