The Year Zero

Nope, this is not the number of days I’ve been in my new job.

This is, in fact, the number of days since I last had a cigarette. Well, it’s 365 days minus 6.5 hours, as I gave up at 11.59pm on 31/12/2007. And I haven’t had one single cigarette since. I even remember cutting the remaining cigarettes up that night.

I have had one cigar in the last year (but you don’t inhale those and it is absolutely not the same as cigarette smoking). I actually swiped one of my dad’s cigars from home and have it with me. I think I’ll take it to Sheridan’s tonight. I like the smell of cigars and like I said, one doesn’t inhale, it’s a special occasion thing.

Anyway, 365 days cigarette free! And yes, you most certainly can feel the difference when you do it.

I’m now off out and staying over so won’t be back until tomorrow sometime, have a lunch and a dinner, though tonight itself is quiet – cooking ahead of tomorrow, watching a movie (not that awful TV), and having a bit to drink.

Happy New Year – this is my last blog post of 2008!

PS And somewhat coincidentally, my google page rank went from zero (which it’s been for months) to 3. Odd how that happened today.

It’s been a busy year. It’s been a year of change, too.

Huge change on the job front. After 5.5 years in the same company, I took the plunge and left, joining a very large professional services firm in the City. I hated it. Hated pretty much all aspects of it. It represented everything I don’t like in a company – too greedy, too exploitative of its staff, too little importance placed on well-being, morale, etc. And don’t get me started on the people… most of them were lobotomised clones, really, the most dreary, officious, internally competitive (in the negative sense), second-rate kind of people you could have the misfortune to work with.

After 3.5 very unhappy months, I left and had three weeks off. I was very lucky. An ex-colleague I hadn’t heard from in over a year made contact out of the blue (the day I was resigning from the aforementioned company – now that is fate) – and to cut a long story short – I was offered a job at his place. A very high level international consultancy. Extremely bright, decent, friendly, warm, welcoming people. Masses of perks – more than I’ve ever had in any job. Most importantly – the role itself is very good (though demanding, is certainly pushing me). I sit in the consultant group (in terms of role-equivalent) and there is huge scope. There is also, given more time and a modicum of luck – the international aspect as the company has offices around the world. This of course now figures highly in my master plan. Having said all of the above, I am on an initial 6 month contract which finishes in April.

I’ve been at my new place just two months but it feels like much much longer. But in a good way. It takes time to get to know people but they’ve been very friendly. Loads my age, too. And they’re decent sorts. Not the binge drinking set, but very sociable, cosmopolitan and quite international. I go out once or twice a week with work and am loving it. Very easy place to be yourself, to casually reference boyfriends rather than girlfriends, etc. It’s incredibly grown up.

On the personal front it’s been a difficult year. Much of it is beyond the scope of this blog. Intense relationships ended as I froze certain people out of my life in a way that, retrospectively, seems quite cruel. There is still much that is unresolved. Perhaps early next year I can salvage some of what once was. I do have a propensity to throw the baby out with the bathwater and I think I’ve done that this year.

On the more direct relationship front – there were a few STRs (is that what they’re called? Short term relationships) but ones that didn’t go very far. Mr Right was certainly not found this year. I did sign up to online dating though haven’t made much progress with the profile and photo yet. I must do that. I need to actually DO IT rather than talk about having to do it, too.

It was a year of travel. I left the UK six times, in date order: East Africa, Amsterdam, Prague, Rome, Stockholm and Egypt. In total I spent perhaps 4-5 weeks outside the UK. They were all a bit too short though. They represented a combination of family visits, work trips and city breaks. It’s good to get off this island as often as possible.

On the flat front, I had a lovely handyman do some serious upgrading of my flat and he did a great job. We became friends too. Which is nice. I have had a serious damp problem, however, which is still to be resolved. Too complex to go into but the managing agent is on the case and early next month it should finally be remedied (if not, party wall agreements will come to the fore and we’ll (it’s not just me) be reading the riot act to the freeholder).

In summary – I can’t really say it was a bad year or a good year. Quite a bit happened. The ups and downs in my working life dominated much of the year. I certainly had an insane number of interviews this year, too.

I hope 2009 is full of opportunities – primarily in the sphere of ‘people’ and in all senses of the word.

Happy New Year!

The brother bought me Fortnum & Mason stuff this year. Nice, though surprising. I do like my food, but I don’t tend to pay quite the premium for that kind of stuff. My company were also very generous, sending me a Duchy Originals hamper full of lovely items which we all enjoyed over Christmas (to those of you non-resident in the UK, it is the food company of HRH The Prince of Wales).

The biscuits below didn’t last long. And they were sublime. I am a demon where snack food is concerned – notably crisps or biscuits which are a huge weakness for me.

There is only one item of importance in this picture. Can you spot it? I know a certain someone will.

My second love, after red wine (I bought 3 bottles today but forgot to snap them) and dare I say it, probably just slightly ahead of gin, is of course:

Good things come to those who wait.

What is your favourite tipple and food item you have a weakness for?

Just because. I like it.

Quite by chance, I saw the film Into the Wild over the Christmas break (spoiler alert in case you haven’t seen this film and want to, you may not want to read this whole post; that said, I don’t think that knowing the full plot outline detracts from the experience, but don’t say you’ve not been warned!).

I’d heard about it but only had the vaguest idea of the plot line.

I knew it was based on a true story, about a young university graduate who had everything to live for who rejects life and heads off into the wilderness after doing a series of menial – but rewarding – jobs in the American outback. He hitch-hiked his way around the country, gave away all his money and burned his IDs. Ultimately he died deep in the Alaskan outback, alone, from starvation…

A young man leaves his middle class existence in pursuit of freedom from relationships and obligation. Giving up his home, family, all possessions but the few he carried on his back and donating all his savings to charity Christopher McCandless (Emile Hirsch) embarks on a journey throughout America. His eventual aim is to travel into Alaska, into the wild, to spend time with nature, with ‘real’ existence, away from the trappings of the modern world.

In the 20 months leading up to his Great Alaskan Adventure his travels lead him on a path of self-discovery, to examine and appreciate the world around him and to reflect on and heal from his troubled childhood and parents’ sordid and abusive relationship. When he reaches Alaska he finds he has been insufficiently prepared for the hardships to come. Despite making it through the winter his plan is ill-judged and prepares to return home in spring, only to find the stream he crossed in the snow has become an impassable raging torrent and that he is trapped. With no means of sustaining himself adequately he eventually starves to death in his so sought after isolation.

Throughout his epic journey the people he meets both influence and are influenced by the person he is and bring him to the eventual and tragic realisation that “Happiness is only real when shared”. Source: IMDB

The movie is 2.5 hours long and very powerful. It is not a feel good film and it is harrowing in places, especially towards the end. That said, it conveys strong messages which I consider profound and long-lasting.

I related to the main character in a number of ways. He wanted his own ‘year zero’, to start from scratch, to escape his past and find himself. That’s been high on my own agenda for a long time now.

I have said, many times, that if the opportunity came along – I would leave the UK at the drop of a hat and head out on a one way ticket to the other side of the world. This doesn’t go down well with friends here. They take that as a form of rejection, as aloofness, arrogance, coldness, cruelty and contempt. But it’s not any of those things. It’s about wanting to find oneself. About wanting to ‘live life’ away from the humdrum, the rat race, the ‘known’, the safe, the boring, the unchanging. But the ’sensible’ bit of me won’t do it without a job to go to (hence my angling for a transfer to one of our overseas offices with my current company; let’s see what 2009 brings).

The closest current parallel for me is having left the UK on a one-way ticket for Japan in 1998, as a 22 year old. That said, I did have a job lined up (I’d been hired here). But I left knowing nobody. And I had the year of my life. So many new experiences, new people, new challenges. A year of huge highs and deep lows. But it was very much a case of ‘living life’. I’d write letters home and I always had a huge amount to say as it was all so new, so many experiences, so much to talk about.

Chris Mccandless – who the movie was based on – did the same thing, but he very much ratcheted it up to the next level, rejecting middle class life and the shackles which accompany it. For me, I could still see parallels as a lot of my thought processes for leaving were not entirely dissimilar. My own childhood was dysfunctional and was devoid of real roots, in turn leaving me with no real desire to settle, stay put or to lead a ‘conventional’ life -  instead – an inescapable desire to keep moving and to keep experiencing.

With regard to the messages, there were two that really stood out.

When you forgive, you love…

This was the first and was the message given by the grandfather figure who tried to get Chris to forgive [his parents]. Chris’ parents were deeply flawed. His father had been a philanderer, he had already been married and thus it had transpired that Chris and his sister were bastard children. Chris carried a huge amount of animosity and this, probably more than anything else, is what drove him away from his parents (and society itself).

Speaking of myself, one of the traits I like least is my ability to bear long grudges. Forgiveness is such a powerful concept and is tied with truth and honesty and plain speaking. Something else I need to do more of, especially in light of certain current circumstances.

Happiness is not real unless shared…

This was the second powerful message and one that I am thankfully not at odds with. In the end, Chris paid the ultimate sacrifice to arrive at this conclusion and this was heart-wrenchingly tragic.

I highly recommend watching this film. For me, it offered perspectives on my own life that still need exploring.

Further reading:

Into the wild, the false being within (Farnorthscience.com)

Death of an innocent (away.com)

Photos of Chris compiled on flickr (flickr.com)

A self-portrait, undeveloped in his camera.

Disappointing is my one word summary of it. It’s also a reminder that more often than not – remaking a classic rarely improves upon the original. The original 1935 Alfred Hitchcock movie is a masterpiece. This, on the other hand, was lacklustre and very second rate.

As a Times reviewer points out, it’s because Auntie (aka the BBC) isn’t comfortable with either militarism or patriotic messaging that were part and parcel of the original version. Thus, this was a dumbed down, anodyne version.

Watch again on BBC iPlayer.

More on The Guardian website re: other versions of the classic film.

So unoriginal but there we go. I am driving home for Christmas myself shortly.

I will blog over the festive period. This is because the draconian scenario of ‘56k dialup’ has been replaced with wireless broadband and as I now have a netbook too, I can surf as I like.

Have felt groggy most of this morning. Fairly heavy night out with work last night. I got a lift all the way home from a colleague and her boyfriend which was nice. They live only a couple of miles from me so it was thankfully no bother.

An enjoyable evening. I really do like the people I work with.

That said, the last two months has been busy. And I mean REALLY busy. I work in the heart of the West End yet never really get to go out at lunchtime as I have meetings or am working (lunch is provided anyway). I love the work, so I can’t complain. Plus, I’m new in the role, so the first few months are always going to be quite steep. But it’s gone really well. The company gave all of us a hamper (Duchy Estate) and mine has been delivered to the family home, so that’s good.

I feel terribly Scrooge-like as I’ve bought no (yes, no) presents this year. My brother will get an Amazon voucher. My mother I’ll probably give money to (funny how the roles reverse as you get older isn’t it???). I just haven’t had the time this year. Plus, I’m not a very Christmasy person. I have managed to send some cards out, but I’ve not put decorations or anything like that up.

The flat stinks of paint and gloss as the decorators finished today. Is a mess as I can’t really hoover up etc as I can’t touch the doors. Plus, the kitchen has been repainted so everything has to be put back / put away. I’ll probably leave that until after Christmas.

Christmas itself will be phenomenally busy like every year. Far too many people. I think there are 7 of us tomorrow, then 8 or so on Boxing Day. I would love to spend Christmas with Mr Right in London (which really empties out at this time of year and is lovely) or abroad, but as I haven’t met him yet, that’ll have to wait until next year!

Anyway I must get packing. Hoping the roads aren’t too busy either.

Happy Holidays! (as the Americans would say!)