Dances with wolves

Tomorrow I’m seeing ‘old friends’.

One of them is he whose name is beyond the scope of this blog. I’m really nervous. I haven’t felt this uptight about a social event in many years. It’s small and tight knit. At someone’s home. I can’t escape. And I’m nervous.

I want to be honest. For the first time in a long, long time. I want to tell the truth. I’m sick of being cast as the villain. My motto tomorrow night is total honesty. That’s all anyone can want or deserve, right?

I’m imagining the outcomes of tomorrow evening. I worry I will get very very upset distressed, especially if I have too much to drink. I don’t want to touch the void again. Perhaps tomorrow will be the final nail in the coffin. There have been many. The coffin is so close to being irreversibly and irrevocably sealed. But it’s not quite there yet. But it’s close.

But you only hear one side when you read this. He’s lovely. And genuine. And loving. And kind. And honest. And caring. But deeply and profoundly flawed. But we’re all human. Maybe my own standards are too high; that’s not implausible.

Once upon a time he was my north my south, my east and west; my working week and my Sunday rest.

So help me God I don’t know what he is these days. I just know that he’s ‘still there’ in my mind.

This time tomorrow I’ll know. I remember how close I was to a breakdown a year ago. I really do hope that I’m not derailed again. I just can’t do it any more.

10 thoughts on “Dances with wolves

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  1. I wish you strength and courage for tomorrow. And to be on the safe side, go easy on the alcoholic stuff. A clear mind will certainly help. Take care. x

  2. I’ll third that alcohol advice. Not that we’re suggesting you’re a lush or anything but we all know that we let our guards down after a few pints of vino.

    Except for me, who never touches the stuff !

    But you know I’ve always felt (based only on your writing of course) that you’ve still got a candle burning for ‘he who must not be named’.

    I mean to be blunt, why go to any ‘do’ where he’s also a guest unless……well I just hope you don’t get burned again on this particular candle.

  3. I fourth it! Stay off anything with alcohol in except trifle. Then anything you do or say, you’ll know it’s YOU doing and saying it, not the booze.
    (Blimey, it’s like a gang of parents on to you. We’ll be telling you to put your jumper on next).
    Good luck!

  4. As the proud owner of a hangover this morning, allow me to add my support to the chorus of do-gooders here: you will only feel like I do this morning, and it aint pretty. Have a good night!

  5. Whatever you want to decide, leave it for a few days before you do, just so things aren’t so raw and at the surface. No rash decisions and the like.
    Will be thinking of you.

  6. Lula – thanks, was good advice!

    Craig – I did in the end. Didn’t have that much to drink at all.

    SB – a good point! In fact I really did have to go as mutual friends there I hadn’t seen in many months and it would have looked awful (a real snub to them) had I not gone. Plus, 6 months is long enough to keep someone in the dog house!

    Daphne – thank you for the kind wishes!

    Sven – you’ve been on the sauce a lot recently I think! Birds of a feather we are! 😛

    Vic – thank you!

    Debby – yup, I didn’t know what it was I needed or wanted but everything seems fine now. I guess clearing of the air was needed.

    Paul – thank you, it was.

    Mrs NM – thanks, turned out OK in the end!

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