Tomorrow I’m seeing ‘old friends’.
One of them is he whose name is beyond the scope of this blog. I’m really nervous. I haven’t felt this uptight about a social event in many years. It’s small and tight knit. At someone’s home. I can’t escape. And I’m nervous.
I want to be honest. For the first time in a long, long time. I want to tell the truth. I’m sick of being cast as the villain. My motto tomorrow night is total honesty. That’s all anyone can want or deserve, right?
I’m imagining the outcomes of tomorrow evening. I worry I will get very very upset distressed, especially if I have too much to drink. I don’t want to touch the void again. Perhaps tomorrow will be the final nail in the coffin. There have been many. The coffin is so close to being irreversibly and irrevocably sealed. But it’s not quite there yet. But it’s close.
But you only hear one side when you read this. He’s lovely. And genuine. And loving. And kind. And honest. And caring. But deeply and profoundly flawed. But we’re all human. Maybe my own standards are too high; that’s not implausible.
Once upon a time he was my north my south, my east and west; my working week and my Sunday rest.
So help me God I don’t know what he is these days. I just know that he’s ‘still there’ in my mind.
This time tomorrow I’ll know. I remember how close I was to a breakdown a year ago. I really do hope that I’m not derailed again. I just can’t do it any more.