Atonement

Reunions; painful after so long.

Warmth. Just the two of us.

Alcohol. And not in moderation.

Touching his beautiful hands. Running my hand across his face and feeling the stubble.

We talk. For hours.

His eyes. So intent. Almost staring me out. Azure blue oases. I can’t hold his gaze. It’s more intent than any other I’ve known.

We arm wrestle. Playfully. I lose. Of course. He’s muscular. Strong. He nibbles on my fingers. I submit.

The venue we’re in is old-school. The dowager women at the next table pretend not to notice us. Like I give a shit if they notice.

We are leaning so closely across the table. I tell him everything I should have said 10 months ago. Finally. After the longest grudge I have ever held. I am being honest. Why has it taken me so long to do this. He listens.

Five hours later it’s time to leave. He slips his arm around my waist pulling me into him as we walk. I do the same. He was captain of the football team. So beautifully built. I feel safe. But the physical side has always been secondary to the connection. Deeper. More meaningful than any other connection I’ve had. With any one.

Deep down I intuitively feel he won’t forgive me for the last 10 months. Our lives have changed so much over the last couple of years. But there we go. I once meant everything to him. I don’t any more. I can’t get away from that. However I look at it those days are over.

We part. He prepares to get into a taxi. I hold him slightly too tightly for slightly too long.

And then the taxi is pulling away and he is gone.

8 thoughts on “Atonement

  1. Psht, moderation schmoderation. Sounds like it was a rewarding night. Wishing you good things for the future!

  2. Enrico – thank you!

    Mumof4 – hmm. I was ‘very’ honest I think, rather than ‘very very’. Had I been ‘very very’ I would have told him that he was my north, my south, my east and west – my working week and my Sunday rest. That might have resulted in a paradigm shift in our relationship which neither of us is ready for. Instead, I told him why I’d ignored him for the best part of a year. My outward air of indifference and aloofness came back to bite me very deeply in the end.

    Sven – thank you! At the moment I’m ‘stuck in a moment I can’t get out of’. The future isn’t with him, incidentally. Which is why I’m upping the online dating stuff this weekend, including replying to the guy who recently contacted me who sounded very nice.

    SCM – thank you.

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