I’ve been at my company a year. The anniversary was the end of last week. I wrote a long post at the weekend. Which I didn’t post. Not sure why. It was too long to be honest. And I was on a bit of a downer at the time.
It’s not ‘utopia’ but it’s probably one of the best places I’ve ever worked at. Lots to like. Lots to frustrate me, too. No point in going into the detail. Too lengthy to convey.
It’s been up and down, especially the last couple of months. I’m earning more than I’ve ever earned. But I’m working harder than I’ve ever hard to work. Still unsure whether I’m comfortable with the trade-off.
There are times when I think that my company is The Firm. As in – John Grisham’s firm. That mafia-like organisation that expects you to give 110%. And then some. In return, you’re part of the family; looked after; protected; cared for. It’s very paternalistic.
Not sure how I feel about that, even a year in.
I have more responsibility than I’ve ever had. A bigger budget. A global remit. But I still get frustrated. I’m still not sure. Still not convinced that the private sector is where I want to be, long-term. Professional services – even the very high-end and interesting subset that I’m in – is still professional services. Remember – I wanted to be a fighter pilot. Or to be in the navy. Or to work for an NGO. I need meaning. This is congruent with my personality type and the profile below rings 101% true:
ENFPs have an unusually broad range of skills and talents. They are good at most things which interest them. Project-oriented, they may go through several different careers during their lifetime. To onlookers, the ENFP may seem directionless and without purpose, but ENFPs are actually quite consistent, in that they have a strong sense of values which they live with throughout their lives. Everything that they do must be in line with their values. An ENFP needs to feel that they are living their lives as their true Self, walking in step with what they believe is right. They see meaning in everything, and are on a continuous quest to adapt their lives and values to achieve inner peace. They’re constantly aware and somewhat fearful of losing touch with themselves. Since emotional excitement is usually an important part of the ENFP’s life, and because they are focused on keeping “centered”, the ENFP is usually an intense individual, with highly evolved values.
Like so much in my life – I crave meaning and authenticity. I’m still trying to find myself. But this job will do for now. And I’m OK with that.