The silence of the lambs

When I had first exiled him from my life almost 2-3 years ago it had taken a long, long time to move on. The longest time. To bring myself back from the edge of the abyss. To rebuild my shattered life.

I haven’t seen him for 1.5 years or thereabouts. In that time he has tried – many times – to contact me. Text messages, emails, phone calls. To my office sometimes. But I hadn’t heard from him in 4-5 months. For all I knew, he might have left the country or married or moved away.

Yesterday evening, not long before I went to bed, I had a text message out of the blue from him, asking when he could see me again. I felt the shadow of something cold come over me. The sun was suddenly obscured and storm clouds had arisen from nowhere. I had pretty much forgotten about him. I’d moved on.

Only. Those original feelings were the type that never really go away. Not completely. They’re too ingrained. We were too close.

And so – again – I ignore him. And I have a bad night’s sleep. Thinking about the past. And history repeats itself. Of me hating myself for treating him the way I have had to. And yet neither of us appear to be able to truly move on. There was a connection between us that transcended everything that had gone before – and since.

And of course – I had partially resolved this once before – an atonement of sorts – but not so long after that I felt better able to get on with my life without him in it. And by never replying to him I am effectively treating him with derision and contempt (which makes me feel contemptible). And yet, after a few months have passed, he will again come back. And so it repeats itself. I can’t quite describe the feeling of connectedness as I have had it with no other. I have never actually asked him – but does he feel the same strange thing? Otherwise, why would he keep… coming back, when I am so cold and implacable? I don’t know.

He remains a primary reason why I need to get out of this city and out of this country. I want to do that anyway, of course, but he remains a very strong and palpable reason why I need to put great physical distance between us.

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